2017 has been a funny old year, funny like awkward and not funny ‘HA HA’
The last year has had some of the biggest ups & downs I have ever experienced. Most years cruise by with the good and the bad. Overall it still balances out to be a good year and you get to New years eve feeling grateful that nothing catostrophic happened to you. On the flip side you may have had a terrible year overall and look forward to drawing a line under it and starting fresh. This New Years eve I felt a little lost. Overall the year went OK I guess, I am sure that I should be feeling grateful as it could have gone a hell of a lot worse. I know I am meant to be positive and look forward to what 2018 may bring, and usually I would be. But this year I feel differently about the whole ‘New year new start’ bullshit that usually grips me. I am scared of what 2018 may bring. The older I get the more nervous I get about what ‘might’ happen. Especially after the year I have just had.
I will start at the begining of 2017 & I wont go into too much detail on this subject as I wrote a post about this subject earlier in the year. (you can read it here) I started 2017 thinking about nothing else but my Mum dying… not by choice but because she had cancer. The big C… The human killing machine. I couldn’t think of anything else. It was our life for the forseable future and it was horrific to see my mum so scared & in pain knowing there was nothing I could do about it. My thoughts were like something from a Tim Burton movie, so dark and twisted. I spent hours making contingency plans, I thought about my sisters futures without a Mum, I thought about moving back home to take over that role. I thought about her little lifeless body over and over again… It took over every thought I had. It was a dark and lonely time because I had to be so positive around everyone else. The rock that held them together. The shoulder to cry on, the upbeat “we will beat this” mantra that they all needed. The highs and lows of those first few months were intense.
Couple that with finding out I was pregnant…. Meant for an emotional rollercoaster. I was being pulled in all kinds of directions. Happy & sad at the same time. Two polar opposite & huge emotions that were ripping me in half.
It happened that everything flipped 180 degrees. All the worrying about Mum, all the plans went out the window the strong woman that is my mum got the news that she had won (Post here). Relief, happiness & overwhelming grattitude took over. She kicked cancers ass and all the fears that I had were washed away. Finally some good luck for the Taylors. Finally this year had a chance to turn around. We always joke that our family is cursed, we can never get through a year without something terrible happening to us. It seems silly now, how trivial all those little ‘problems’ were.
I found out I lost my bubbas. Yet again my world collapsed. I had built up this amazing life in my head and it was ripped away in a non-existant heartbeat. Again I won’t go into too much detail here, because I did a lengthy post on this earlier in the year that you can read (here). I was back in my dark place where I intended to hide out forever. I felt like I had given up on the world and no longer wanted it to have the power over me. It was then that I tried to commit suicide. Something so silly as dropping a wine bottle on my kitchen floor tipped me over the edge… I sat on the cold kitchen floor and decided that I couldn’t take it any more, and as the blood poured from my body I screamed and screamed and let it all out. That physical release of pain allowed me to open up and let rip of my sadness and I left it all there on the cold kitchen floor. And when I was done screaming I phoned my mum. See she was meant to survive, I still needed her.
Luckily I have a massively supportive network around me and I was surrounded by love and understanding. But just as I started to crawl out of my pit of depression I was made redundant from the job I loved and one of the main things keeping me sane. My emotions were a little delicate at this point and of course I felt like my world was ending all over again (bring out the violins). It was only July and I was at an all time low and not really sure I could take any more hits. I mean I know I was a little cow when I was a teenager but surely I have paid my debts by now?!
Luckily (I use that term losely) I found a new job pretty quickly and I started to feel a little bit excited about the prospect of a fresh start. The job turned out to be a waste of time. The ‘step up’ on paper actually stripped away all the aspects of my job that I love & that I am good at. It was a step down in terms of my experience and I came home most days in a frustrated mood. They kept telling me that they were ‘not seeing enough from me’ but yet wouldn’t explain what it is they wanted to see. They told me I lacked any management skills (despite the fact that I have never been a manager, I was not in a management role & they gave me no management duties). I was constantly being put down and my confidence took a huge knock.
I have just started a new job where I am hopeful that I will get to blossom however I am so scared that they won’t like me or they will think I have let them down. I need to try and draw a line under my last two experiences.
So, hopefully you can understand now why I am a little aprehensive about what 2018 may bring. Will that family curse strike again?! Will my new employer hate me? Can I take another blow? Whilst it has been a horrific year for me, I am trying to take the positives into 2018. It hasn’t been all bad and I am grateful for a lot of things to have come out of this year.
My 2017 life lessons:
- Cancer has the power to destroy us all. It is fierce and unforgiving and if you don’t give it the respect it deserves it has the power to destroy everything you ever believed in. I am lucky and grateful that it didn’t end in the worse case scenario for us. We all know someone who has been affected by Cancer however knowing someone and living through it are two very different things. I will continue to do everything I can to help raise money for Cancer research to try and find a cure, if not in my lifetime then for the furture generations.
- Making time for the little things is important. I used to take them for granted, phone calls to my Mum just to check in, playing silly games with my sisters to pass time, taking a nice walk or looking at a pretty sunset. Time is precious and we should make the most of the little things that make us smile.
- Being angry at the world will consume you. It’s true, I have been an angry person for as long as I can remember but after lots of therapy and changing the way I look at the world, I can see now that the anger was ruining my chance at happiness.
- Forgiving the world makes you feel free. I have never felt so light and free. I no longer hit self destruct everytime something doesn’t go my way. I think about things and decide if its worth being angry. Now I am in control of my anger, it no longer controls me and I am a much happier person. I can appreciate the beauty of the world rather than thinking its just out to get me.
- Therapy is amazing. My Therapist was my rock for a long time. Now I no longer see or need her, but I will be forever grateful to her for helping me file my emotions into their correct cabinets, helping me look at the world in a better light, helping me to understand that it’s ok to be sad sometimes rather than angry. It’s ok to let the world know that I am scared rather than hiding behind my red mist. Now that I let people in, I am not so alone during my darker days. I have the support that I need and was too scared to ask for.
- What is meant to be will be. My Mum was meant to stick around, she was meant to survive, she was meant to get cancer & she was meant to beat it. Now she appreciates the little things more than ever. My twins were a blessing in the sense that they helped us all get through the Cancer period with something positive to look forward too. They served a purpose even if it wasn’t the way I had hoped. I will be forever grateful for their small presence in our lives and I know that things were just not meant to be. I hope that one day I will be a great Mum, when the time is right.
- Staying in a job you hate will drag you down. We spend most of our lives at work, it’s really important that you are happy there. If it is making you miserable then life outside of work will suffer too. Do what makes you happy because life is too short.
- Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you Laboutins. I know that money cannot buy happiness. It can buy a lot of things but it cannot buy genuine happiness. Family time & making memories are far more important in life. It can however buy gorgeous shoes.. and that is kind of the same right?! No I am just being playful. Overall I guess my year did end on a high note. I spent Christmas with all the people I love, playing silly games & taking pictures and just being happy. As I sat on the sofa cuddling a puppy, watching my family laughing and being silly I couldn’t have felt happier in that moment. 2017 has sucked…like REALLY sucked but it has all happened for a reason, it could have been far worse, it has made us stronger and it has brought us together and that made it all worthwile. But just to clarify my other half did buy me the most dreamy pair of Laboutins (one of the things on my bucket list was to own my own pair of loubs by the time I was 30). I feel blessed and lucky and I guess after writing this post, I am not as worried about going into 2018 as I initially thought, at least I will be stepping into it with the most amazing family, beautiful red bottomed heels and a fierce ‘I can do this’ attitude.
What did you learn in 2017?
“It has been said and that when you make up your mind to do something, the universe likes to test you to see if you really want it” (Stacy Malia Marie)